Please join in this discussion. I want as much input as possible. How and when is it appropriate and ethical to express anger? It's okay to feel angry and express that verbally and physically in certain ways, correct? Let me give you an example -
I let into someone on the phone today. I found out today that our insurance company had just yesterday followed through and towed our van from Taber to Calgary to be assessed. ALMOST TWO WEEKS LATER. I was shocked and dismayed to hear that it had taken this long ('enraged' might be the appropriate term), and that after an assessment today it would be ANOTHER WEEK before the company found out the results of that assessment and would 'let me know'. And how long until it is fixed or until I get a payout? ANOTHER WEEK OR TWO?
On top of that, after asking WHY it would take so long, I was informed that they don't go with the blue/black book price, but check local dealerships, bargain finders, auto traders, newspaper classifieds, and similar websites to accurately decide how they were going to undercut us with the lowest price they could find without verifying THAT vehicle's condition. THAT did it. I zinged the lady on the phone. I know, it's the system and not her, but here I am without my van which was in tip-top condition, a van which had been stolen from me and trashed, and they're checking the classifieds for someone else's beat-up, abused, and questionable vehicle to compare mine to? And they think that's accurate?!? I was SO mad. Why do I pay them? Oh yeah, I'm legally bound to do it, that's why. I flipped out.
Now, those of you who know me know that this is an extremely rare occurrence. Honestly. I usually just go silent or convince myself it's not worth fighting over. I'm pretty easy-going and laid back. Sure, I get upset every once in a while when something breaks or the kids are directly disobedient or lying, but mad is a totally uncharted area for me. Anger and me are not very familiar with one another. I've had a lot of opportunities to be angry lately. Believe me, most people in my shoes would likely have gone for blood LONG before I did. This wasn't just snapping. This was an eruption. No expletives, no names in vain, no venomous or off-topic or colorful words used, I let her have it in terms she understood regarding the present situation and told her how it SHOULD be. I don't feel much remorse for my actions in the face of this injustice. Is that my sin-nature talking, or was I wrong in what I did? The punk in me wanted to stick it to 'The Man'.
What really makes Mark mad? I wonder. I could share, but that would ruin the fun.
The real question is this:
How should I have responded in this situation? What would Jesus REALLY have done, not what is politically popular for a Christian to do today? Jesus wasn't as tame or as emotionally withdrawn as we typically make him out to be. What would his response have been? And then, what should MY response have been? How and when is it appropriate and ethical to express anger? Please comment.
- Mark
6 comments:
Mark ... I feel awful about your situation - I was angered just reading what strings those insurance guys are pulling! Personally ... I totally think you had the right to 'lay into' that woman ... but then again I am quite an emotional person & tend to let that lead me more often than I should, I'm sure. As for what would Jesus have REALLY done ... that's a good question ... would He have fought for justice? I wish I had a better input ... I have to admit, my fists were in the air cheering you on as I read your blog! Would Jesus have just been silent and taken whatever came His way? Possibly ... He certainly didn't put up a fight or start yelling that 'it wasn't fair' when we took Him to the cross ... He prayed.
My heart hurts for you guys ... I know you would love to have everything cleared up (van, house)and just move out to Sk to be with your family. We pray for you constantly. *Lynn*
I believe in something called righteous anger. I've actually only experienced it a handful of times in my lifetime, when the Holy Spirit rages up inside you and you speak forth words that He directs you to say. I find it is never rage, and it ends up being more gentler than originally anticipated, but I can readily describe how the righteous anger boils up in my spirit up into my throat. My words are then never codemning, and see into the situation way deeper than I could with my own eyes.
One recent instance the Lord called me to speak out against some prominent gossip that was ruining lives. It was SOOOO hard to do, but the words came forth and they were just plain truthful, exposing the gossip for what it is. It was totally bibilcally based because I know how the Lord despises gossip and how it destroys. The end result was repentance from people whom I have never heard the words, "I'm wrong and I'm sorry" from. That's also how you can tell righteous anger....the result is pleasing to the Lord.
The other type of anger I see is our own earthly anger. That is something I have experienced more time than the righteous anger. But it's not godly and we often feel convicted for lighting off at someone. It is done of our own volition and we say hurtful words that cut people down. Doing more damage than good is not godly. It does not glorify His name. The Bible is clear that we should be slow to anger and we must seek what the Lord wants us to do in those situations. There are also verses upon verses about controlling our tongue.
So, in any situation I always ask myself a few things. Do I feel convicted for the way I conducted myself? Were my words/actions godly and bringing Him glory....or bring Him shame? Was the end result repentance or aiding someone in turning from their errored ways, or did it cause their heart to be more hardened?
Basically, I think if the anger is not righteous and God-driven then we need to keep our mouths shut and pray until the anger subsides. That way we remain right in His sight and we haven't done anything that needs repentance.
Man, I don't know what to say. I think that being screwed around is something that makes all humans mad. I don't know if "talking forcefully" at the lady was the right thing, but you definitely need to express it somehow. I tend to write letters and send them quick before I lose my nerve. Then again, that's just me! When I get angry, I start to cry, which isn't all that helpful when a person is "sticking it to the man!"
Mark,
First off, let me tell you that I love you. I do know you and I know you're not an angry person. I believe you had every right to be angry. And yes, you are correct. It IS okay to feel angry and to be able to express that verbally. Like you said, you didn't swear or use colorful language, but you got your point across. I know there were times when Jesus got angry. I just may not know the verses that say so, but I know this to be true. I also remember learning this in Bible School on Thetis Island.
You make me so proud to be a family member. I praise you for being so honest and genuine. You are compationate and it sucks that the world just wants to take advantage of good people like youself. I'm glad you didn't "stick it to the man". I also pray for you and know that you truely are doing the will and work of God. Keep it up. Hope you enjoy your time at, I believe it was BrierCrest. Take care and talk to you soon.
Your cousin,
Darryl
Even Jesus got angry. It is a common myth that christians are not supposed to get angry, but that is not what the Bible says. It says to not sin in our anger. Sounds to me like you ae justified in being angry. When you pay for a service you expect to recieve proper care and be treated like a human being. To aid the insurance adjusters decision it might be helpful if you sent them some pictures of what your van looked like before it was stolen, and don't settle unless you feel God's peace about it. Keep praying and don't be afraid to get angry at the injustice.
I appreciate all of your comments and care. I wrote this once and my internet disconnected, so I'm going to try again.
For starters, I think the first question to ask is this, "Does my action in anger accomplish the righteousness of God?"
Let me read to you what Jesus said. "But I say to you that everyone who is angrywith his brother will be subject to judgment..." (Matt.5:22) It's a serious emotion that carries a lot of weight and can seriously damage our character and other people's reputations. Paul said, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."" (Rom.12:19). It is one of the fruits of our flesh (Gal.5:20), and we are supposed to do away with it (Eph.4:31) ideally. The tendency of anger almost always leads towards evil and further problems. That is why James says we are to be "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;" (Jas.1:19).
James makes sense to this all. Yeah, the tongue is a tricky thing. "For we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body." We aren't perfect. "No human being can tame the tongue." He says, "From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so." We shouldn't say what we do, but we do. We're human. Not an excuse, just a reality. If we live by the Spirit, does that mean we won't get angry or lash out?
Listen to what Nehemiah did - do you think he was right? The Bible neither condones nor condemns his actions:
"And I confronted them and cursed them and beat some of them and pulled out their hair." (Neh.13:25)He was dealing with people who had directly and blatantly disobeyed God and disregarded His commands. He was trying to put things back in order so that people could once again worship God for the holy being He is in the way He asked to be worshipped.
Jesus overthrew the money-changers tables in the temple because they were preventing the Gentiles and others from worshipping God (Mat.21:12). It doesn't even say He was angry while doing this. But his tone and demeanor showed emotion. Jesus got angry at a few people and injustices. It wasn't limited to the Pharisees. At times it was the disciples! He acted and spoke while He was angry, yet was not controlled by it. I think this is the key.
What are we really accomplishing for good when we lash out? Or are we causing greater problems and barriers between us and others, or us and God, or between others and God?
We are to "leave room for the wrath of God" and allow Him to be the ultimate judge. Our role is to love our enemies and "overcome evil with good." (Romans 12). The boundaries get more and more narrow, don't they?
We can be angry and not sin, and even take action, but not because of our anger - anger should not control us. Neither should it be bottled up because it festers and can create a 'root of bitterness' later that produces all kinds of awful things in us. Things that won't accomplish good work or the things of God in ours or anyone else's lives.
So what is the solution? Have a friend of character that you can confide in. Someone who isn't a gossip and is not prone to go out and act out of their anger over your anger. Someone to empathize and walk beside us, not judge us for being who we naturally are. Someone who will help us if we mess up and help us to 'do the next right thing'. Not dwelling on wrong actions, but helping us resolve what we can and move in the right direction - God's direction (righteousness).
I said it so much better before. Forgive me. But hey, I don't think I was right doing what I did, even though it seems to have gotten the job done. We're getting our money. Soon. And more than we expected. Amazing. That's grace. And I want to continue to do the 'next right thing'. Not for my sake. For Jesus' name and sake.
- Mark
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