I'm Done Grovelling

I was about to say, "My deepest apologies for not keeping you informed on our most recent..." and then I told myself I wasn't really THAT sorry. Yeah, I'll burst your bubble. We really enjoy doing this, have fun, and would like to keep you in the loop, but sometimes life gets messy and we have to eject for a while. It's okay. We still love you. But there's no need to apologize.

I am a scoundrel for doing this. Last time I left a ministry position I found myself saying, "I'm sorry" and "I'm just kidding / joking" in a manner that was unhealthy. It showed me that I was insecure about what people thought (rightly so) and that I was afraid of how people were going to take me. I can't say that I don't have my moments, but I don't think I really care as much about how I'm perceived by people.

I mean. it's good to be sensitive to people's needs and extend grace when it isn't deserved, but going around apologizing for circumstances that are out of my control is ridiculous. I've been doing it for way too long. And I can't apologize for other people's actions right now. I don't care how that makes me look.

I don't care if people even find me funny or attractive.

LIAR. I do care. Sadly, I do.

Okay, I defeat my own point. How do you get beyond being too nice? I wasn't this way in high school. I was a jerk at times. Care-free and calloused, arrogant and charming. And I really didn't give a hoot about what most people thought. What happened? Did I over-correct somewhere along the road and find myself staring up out of a snow-covered ditch today? All I know is, I want to be authentic. To be real.

I'm done grovelling. I'm done being a punching-bag. And I'm done waiting for the punch-line to sink in and for the apologies to be accepted. I'm not sorry...

I'm not sorry for being a good youth pastor. Not perfect, just good.

I'm not sorry for loving the church too much.

I'm not sorry for trying to make my wife and family my first priority.

I'm not sorry for making corny jokes.

I'm not sorry for laughing.

I'm not sorry for following God through desert places.

I'm not sorry for doing what I can't.

I'm not sorry for standing by my convictions.

I'm not sorry that I am who I am; this is the way God made me.

I'm not sorry if you think this sounds like a forward someone sent you yesterday. (Don't try forwarding it to anyone - nothing will happen in five days).

I'm not sorry if you think I'm crazy.

I'm not sorry for doing my best.

I'm not even sorry that I miss an email or two here or there.

I'm not sorry if you think I should act or write more nicely. I've been nice. I've been gracious. I've been protective and cautious and loving. I will continue to be.

I'm not sorry for someone else's mistakes and fallen actions. I'm not! I empathize and understand, but I can't be sorry for something I didn't do to you... or for something done to me.

I'm not sorry for crying or smiling.

I'm not sorry for trying to live up to my calling and my understanding of the truth.

I'm not sorry anymore for things I shouldn't be sorry for.

I'm not sorry.

But if you know me, you'll know that isn't a bad thing. If there's something between you and me, let's talk. If I know I've offended you or done something wrong, I'll find you. And if you can't or won't go there, well, that's up to you. I can sleep in peace. God's grace is sufficient for me. He'll sort out the pieces in the end. But I'm not sorry for things I shouldn't be sorry for. Not anymore. I'm not sorry.

Mark