Hat-trick

It was enough to leave me laughing and flabbergasted. You could call what I'm doing right now 'feigned humility', but why not just laugh with me - it's so much more fun. It's funny how things people say about you as a child, or even as an adult for that matter, stay with you through life. Especially when they have commented on an area in your life that you value and care about and have worked hard on.

At age 6, I was known as the "head hunter" because I just ran into people and couldn't stop. My Grandpa called me the "sieve" because I let in so many goals the one and only game I played in net. I quit playing for a year because the ridicule and teasing I experienced from my own teammates was so bad. They begged me back to play because "we don't have enough players" (not because they valued my skills). I was never quite bad enough, or good enough, to receive the Most Improved Player award - I went through all of minor hockey without any awards, come to think of it.

I was the guy who was lucky to score one goal each season. That's right, one. One year that goal happened in the Dave Barr Arena in Grande Prairie when I shot the puck in from the red line and skated off to the bench for a line change. Apparently I deflected it off of the boards, hit the goalie in the back of the leg, and it went in the net. I was on the bench before I knew what had happened. My point is proven once again that I didn't score much because I actually remembered the venue and manner in which the puck entered the net.

Oh hockey, why do I love thee? Well, tonight I have three reasons. Regardless of whatever talent (or lack thereof) I have, the puck just wouldn't stay out of the other teams net. We still lost the game, just like my team has lost every game this year. Yup, we lost to a team that has a one-armed man. Beat that! That's a great stroke for my ego, eh? I'll talk about the moral and psychosocial implications of that later.

But I managed to score a hat-trick in a 8-7 loss. I put the puck in the net three times much to my surprise (and demise). It wasn't just the amount, but the finesse with which they were scored that amused my team and I most.

I scored the first in the first period from the blue line on a back-hand. That's right. I flipped the puck at the net and voila! Right over the goaltender's head, down his back, and in. I'm sure he was impressed by his teammate who was wildly swatting at the puck above his head - that would be comforting to me as well. Lesson: Put the puck on the net. You never know what miracle could happen.

The second goal happened in the second period. We were down low in the other team's zone and the puck squirted out of a skirmish. I lunged for it, deked a player, and fired a frightening wrist-shot that incapacitated the goalie. The frightening bit could have been the manner in which the puck flipped through the air in a rainbow-like arch and the incapacitating bit could be from the hysterical laughter of the other team, but whatever it was, it worked. I think I fooled the goalie because I missed the top corner he assumed I was aiming for and I dropped beneath his armpit. Handcuffed him.

Thirdly, the third goal was a third period clincher (how appropriate). We were down two goals and there was a 3 on 1 coming down on me. I poke-checked the puck as they crossed our blue-line and picked it up. I then passed it across and followed the play up ice. The rebound on the initial shot came back to me and I shelved it (and yes, this one actually looked impressive and like I meant to do it). Down by one goal - and we lost. But not for a valiant effort.

Faith laughed at me when I got home and told her I got a hat-trick. Then she realized I was being serious. She asked me all these silly questions, like:

"Are you sure there was nothing wrong with the other team or the goalie?"

"Aren't you supposed to be a defenseman? They don't score..."

"Are you just teasing me?"

"Okay, I don't get it. How?!" (She actually asked these.)

I kept trying to tell my team that this was a fluke too, but they didn't believe me either. I wasn't even playing that well. Perhaps it was all the ham and turkey over Christmas. Maybe it helps to have nine skaters instead of just 6 including the goalie...

We still lost. Again. But at least I had a good time. Well, except for the puck that my own player passed to me at waist height and hit me in the left wrist to match the injury to the right one. I was already disabled the month before because one of our players tried clearing the puck and hit me instead. I went in to get x-rays before Christmas for that one.

Speaking of disabled, what do you do to shut up a one-armed man who is mouthing off? I considered rubbing him out, and the other guys were talking about punching him, but - wouldn't you feel bad? I mean, the guy has one arm! Do you grab his jersey and pull it over his head, or do you just tie him up with his other sleeve flapping in the wind like his big yap? It's rather distracting. Don't get me started on figuring out how he can shoot the puck better than I can... (Please don't take me serious on that last one, or I may have to hurt you too.)

- Mark